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Posted: Fri Feb 24, 2012 8:12 pm
by Torcan
Bad Day at Work

Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy ..

Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana

He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.

She then sent it to radio station 103 .5 on FM dial in Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.

Needless to say, she won.

Read his letter below...

~Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

Last week I had a bad day at the office.

I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realise it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office.

It's a wet suit.

This time of year the water is quite cool.

So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.

This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea.

It heats it to a delightful temperature.

It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit.

This floods my whole suit with warm water.

It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch.

So, of course, I scratched it.

This only made things worse.

Within a few seconds my ass started to burn.

I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.

In agony I realised what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jelly fish into the crack of my ass.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.

His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say, I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonising in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't *** for two days because my ass was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass.

Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'

Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day! !!!!

Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.~

Posted: Fri Feb 24, 2012 8:26 pm
by prowlersfish
That is a bad day .

Posted: Fri Feb 24, 2012 8:49 pm
by jefflaw35
so this world renoun heart doctor dies, hundreds of people are at the funeral, its a beutiful display of flowers and well dressed people. On the stage is a huge heart shaped wooden design. After the sermon the heart opens up and the casket rolles into the heart and it is sealed in eternity for ever. All of the sudden there is a laughter out break from two men in the crowd. Everyone stops crying and turns to the men in pure disgust. The first man stops laughing and says "im so sorry I was just thinking about my own funeral, Im a Gynecologist" his friend who is still laughing, mangages to blurt out "im a proctologist...."

Posted: Fri Feb 24, 2012 8:58 pm
by Torcan
Now THAT was funny. Thanks for the chuckle. :)

Posted: Fri Feb 24, 2012 9:18 pm
by prowlersfish
Good one

Posted: Sat Feb 25, 2012 5:36 pm
by jefflaw35
A elderly woman went to the doctor for a physical examination. After which the doctor, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the
... waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate
when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have
cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were
some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of
the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were
celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending
end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.' The friends were aghast, gave the
woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,
'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your
friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?'

'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after
I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'

Posted: Fri Mar 02, 2012 5:56 pm
by jefflaw35
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know ***?"

Posted: Fri Mar 02, 2012 5:58 pm
by jefflaw35
The train was quite crowded, and the U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed middle-aged French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant."

This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor. Put this American in his place."

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold
the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

Posted: Sun Mar 04, 2012 1:47 pm
by trojanmanXS
A story from an Irish Sunday School Teacher.

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they
understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave
all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden and kept everything
tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'NO!'

If I gave sweets to all the children and loved my husband, would that get me
into heaven?

Again, they all answered 'NO!'

I was just bursting with pride for them.
I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'

A six year-old boy shouted out:


It's a curious race, the Irish.

Posted: Sun Mar 04, 2012 6:32 pm
by Torcan
For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His
father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house
is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can
afford it." The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the
front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Joseph told him; "I was walking past your room last night and
heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you
to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying
here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!

Posted: Sun Mar 04, 2012 6:44 pm
by trojanmanXS
Torcan wrote:For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His
father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house
is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can
afford it." The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the
front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Joseph told him; "I was walking past your room last night and
heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you
to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying
here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!

oh thats a good one......

Posted: Sun Mar 04, 2012 9:02 pm
by jefflaw35
ohhhh man< i am so going to share that one with friends :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Posted: Mon Mar 05, 2012 4:54 pm
by vabeach1234
I guy goes to the doctors to get a vasectomy. He's placed in a nice room by himself and then a nice looking nurse comes in. She asks him to strip so she can prepare him for the procedure. He does as asked. She then has him lay on the table and tells him that his pipes must be drained before the procedure and proceeds to strip herself and has sex with him. The guy is amazed. Once finished, she dresses and begins to wheel him down the hall to where they will do the procedure. As he passes a room he looks in the door and sees three guys in the room all "taking matters into there own hands" (if you know what I mean).

He asks "What are they here for?"

The nurse replies "They are here for a vasectomy also."

Astonished, the guy asks, "Well, why was I treated like I was and they are in there doing that?"

The nurse replies, "Well you have Optima, they have ObamaCare."

Posted: Mon Mar 05, 2012 6:47 pm
by alexander38
OMG there's so much truth in that... :lol: :lol:

Posted: Tue Mar 06, 2012 10:03 am
by Torcan
You know by today's standards none of us was supposed to ever make it.

HIGH SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2010

Scenario 1:
Jack goes duck hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.
1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2010 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counsellors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario 2:
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2010 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario 3:
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2010 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2010 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse, Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario 5:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock.
2010 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario 6:
Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2010 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario 7:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
1957 - Ants die.
2010 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents - and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario 8:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 – In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2010 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.