A few jokes to make you smile

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jefflaw35

Post by jefflaw35 »

WHY FEMALES SHOULD AVOID A GIRLS NIGHT OUT AFTER THEY ARE MARRIED....

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a..m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
... ...
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed.... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh ***.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.. ;) ~NoShit

jefflaw35

Post by jefflaw35 »

Fast Eddie….

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his
office…. but she was dating someone else.

One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, ‘I’ll give you $100 if
you let me have sex with you.’ The girl looked at him, then said, ‘NO.’

Eddie said, ‘I’ll be real fast. I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend down,
and I’ll finish by the time you’ve picked it up.’

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend…. so
she called him and explained the situation.

Her boyfriend says, ‘Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast… he
won’t even be able to get his pants down.’ She agreed and over half an hour
goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend’s call. Finally,
after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, ‘what happened….?’

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, ‘The bastard had all quarters!’

Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and
getting screwed

jefflaw35

Post by jefflaw35 »

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man. The medicine man slowly, methodically, produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is powerful medicine. It must be respected. You take only teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want." The old man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until next full moon."

The old man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle

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Torcan
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Post by Torcan »

The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.

One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.

The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"

Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.

After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.

The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."
1980 Trojan F 25 "MY TYME" (sold)
1986 Thundercraft Magnum 280 "The HAILEY-SAVANNAH"
http://www.cbyc.ca/

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Torcan
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Joined: Tue Dec 21, 2010 7:35 pm
Location: Toronto, Canada

Post by Torcan »

A young Arab boy asks his father ''What is this weird hat we wear dad?''
Dad answers ''it's called a 'chechia' son in the desert it protects our heads from the hot sun''.

The boy asks, ''And what is this strange clothing we wear?''.
Dad answers ''it's called 'dishdasha' in the desert it is very hot & it protects your body''.

The boy then asks. ''Dad what are these ugly shoe's we have on our feet?''. Dad again answers ''these are 'babouches' in the desert they protect our feet from the burning hot sand''.

The boy thinks for a minute then says, ''Dad, why the f**k are we wearing all this *** in the f**king Job Centre in New York City''........?
1980 Trojan F 25 "MY TYME" (sold)
1986 Thundercraft Magnum 280 "The HAILEY-SAVANNAH"
http://www.cbyc.ca/

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Stripermann2
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Location: Solomon's Island, MD

Post by Stripermann2 »

Frank Feldman, the perfect man.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He
gets into the cab, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing.
You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Like who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman! He's a guy who did everything right all the
time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that
to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could
have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros.
He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star, and you
should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."


Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He
remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods
to order, and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like
me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman,
he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and to
avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But
Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and
make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the
wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.
He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"


Cabbie: "Well... I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."
Jamie


1985 F-32 270 Crusaders
1988 Sea Ray 23 350 Merc.
Trojan. Enjoy the ride...

-I don't wanna hear anyone whine...Anymore!
-You might get there before me, but you still have to wait for me, for the fun to start!

rbcool
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Posts: 937
Joined: Wed Oct 06, 2010 9:31 pm
Location: Kent Island, MD

Post by rbcool »

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomania Convention in Chicago".

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really, " he said, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent.

We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern redneck."

Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba..

Ron 8)
When you can't make them see the light, make them feel the heat.
Ronald Reagan
1987 F36 Tri-Cabin
Twin 270 Crusaders
"Special K"
Upper Bay, Chesapeake Bay

http://www.photobucket.com/albums/ff424/rbcool/

jefflaw35

Post by jefflaw35 »

Stripermann2 wrote:Frank Feldman, the perfect man.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He
gets into the cab, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing.
You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Like who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman! He's a guy who did everything right all the
time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that
to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could
have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros.
He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star, and you
should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."


Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He
remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods
to order, and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like
me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman,
he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and to
avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But
Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and
make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the
wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.
He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"


Cabbie: "Well... I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."
that punch line will be on my grave or Ern. very good :P

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DOUBLE R
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Location: ORANGE PARK, FLORIDA

Post by DOUBLE R »

A devout Catholic, Matthew finally was granted an audience with the Pope. After talking a while, Matthew asks if it is ok to tell a Pollock joke. The Pope says " you do know I am Polish, don't you?" Matthew repies" Oh that's ok, I'll just tell it real slowly."
MY CURENT FLEET

2003 KEY WEST 2020 WA
1978 ASHCRAFT 14' SKIFF
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rooferdave
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Posts: 384
Joined: Tue Apr 06, 2010 9:24 am
Location: toronto canada

Post by rooferdave »

a carpenter ant walks into a bar and asks "where's the bar tender?"



3 irishmen walk into a bar you would think the 2nd two would have noticed and gone around
1976 Trojan 360 Flybridge needin a whole lotta luvin!

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