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A few jokes to make you smile

Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 6:18 pm
by Torcan

A blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. She looks on the side of her cup and finds a peel off prize label. She pulls off the tab and yells, "I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!"

The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a mini van!"

The blonde replies, "No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!"

By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!"

Again the blonde says, "No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!"

The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."

Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 6:19 pm
by Torcan
The Parrot That Wouldn't Shut Up

Marty, an RVer from Portland, travels in his motorhome with a talkative but foul-mouthed parrot. One day in a campground near Albuquerque, New Mexico, the bird's swearing got to be too much. So Marty grabbed it by the throat and yelled "Stop it!" But only minutes later, the bird was swearing again.

The next day, the bird yelled so loudly that the couple next door in a big fifth wheel stopped by to demand its silence. Desperate, Marty locked the bird in a kitchen cabinet. But it didn't help: the bird kept right on swearing. The next day, the bird was even worse. So, as a last resort, Marty tossed it into his spacious Dometic freezer. After five minutes, all was quiet. Worried the bird might be freezing, Marty took it out. "I'm sorry," confessed the suddenly polite bird. "I promise to never swear again."

Marty was astonished. He couldn't understand the change in attitude.

"By the way," asked the parrot, "what did the chicken do?"

Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 6:20 pm
by Torcan
Nursing Home

At the Nursing Home a man took his elderly father to a nursing home to check it out. He sat his father down on a sofa in the main aisle way and went to talk with the administrators.

The old man started to tilt slowly toward the left. A Doctor came by and said, "Let me help you." The Doctor piled several pillows on the left side of the old man so he would stay upright.

The older man started to tilt slowly to the right. An orderly noticed and put several more pillows on his right side to keep him upright.

The old man started to lean forward when a nurse came by and piled several pillows in front of him. About this time, the son returned.

"Well, Dad, isn't this a nice place."

The old man replied, "I guess it's ok, but they won't let me fart."

Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 6:36 pm
by prowlersfish
Very Good !

Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 6:47 pm
by alexander38
here's one it's not PC

two Irishmen walked out of a bar... :wink:

Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 7:50 pm
by Stripermann2
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender looks and him asks...why the long face? :lol:

Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 8:20 pm
by Torcan
Guess My Age

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 8:26 pm
by Torcan
The hypnotist at the senior centre

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.

Claude a very successful hypnotist exclaimed, " I'm here to put you into a trance.
I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful,
antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very
special watch. It's been in my family for six never fails." He began
to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch
the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.... "

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off of its polished surface.

Hundreds of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, it slipped
from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into pieces.

"CRAP" said the hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center !!

Claude was never invited back.

Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 9:37 pm
by prowlersfish

Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 11:03 pm
by captainmaniac
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 11:14 pm
by prowlersfish
You are Funny guys . Keep it up :D

Posted: Wed Feb 22, 2012 10:39 pm
by prowlersfish
I miss the jokes

Posted: Thu Feb 23, 2012 5:37 pm
by Stripermann2
Smartest Man in the World

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

Pull Over!

Georgia State Trooper had been trying to pull over this guy for about ten miles before he finally pulled over. The trooper says to the driver, buddy didn't you see me behind you, why didn't you stop?

The driver says, six months ago my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought it was you... trying to bring her back! :)

Posted: Thu Feb 23, 2012 9:36 pm
by MadBen
alexander38 wrote:here's one it's not PC

two Irishmen walked out of a bar... :wink:
Just spit my drink out...too funny.

Posted: Fri Feb 24, 2012 3:55 am
by alexander38
MadBen wrote:
alexander38 wrote:here's one it's not PC

two Irishmen walked out of a bar... :wink:
Just spit my drink out...too funny.
someone got it !! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: